Recently a reader of the English issue of FHM sent a letter to the editor asking if the rules had changed in long term relationships. Apparently, he doesn't like the idea of young women going outside of relationships. The "experts" from FHM assure him they've not heard of such a thing, but I have.
I've read several times that societies become increasingly complex over time despite occasional "back to basics" movements. It seems cultures like to introduce new aspects to life to maintain societal interest. I think cuckolding is the latest change for four percent of the US population.
My life became more complicated a while back when my girlfriend called me asked said, "We've never talked about being exclusive; have you ever heard of cuckolding?" She went on to tell me about a lesbian artist she met and this alpha male she wanted try out. However, she added, "I know you; you'll want to research it (as a way of coming to terms) with it."
Polling in regards to the number of people into cuckolding are hard to find. Sometimes, the statistics are grouped in with those on swinging. For the most part, psychologists find it difficult to get the money to research challenging topics and volunteers to answer questionnaires. Several studies published on the web put the numbers at between three and ten percent which is quite a rise from the past. (And, it denotes a significant rise in dominate women who often reportedly encourage each other once this topic is broached.) However, this number matches up pretty well with some studies that say over 50 percent of women go outside of marriage and up to 71 percent of people "would like to try cuckolding."
The January 2008 Redbook magazine reports 60% of women as "as higher" or "equal" in desire for sex as their husbands. The May issue of More magazine said two popular women's fantasies are sex with strangers and man on man which taken together sound like cuckolding to me. The July 2007 Playboy said 55% of Marie Claire readers would have a lesbian affair if it was discreet and the More magazine piece backs this up to a certain extent. Simply put, women have more creative imaginations about sex.
Dr. Cherry Lee’s web site displayed a composite survey showing women’s willingness to go outside of marriage has been gently sweeping upwards since World War II. Lee’s view is more women go outside of their marriages for satisfaction then men at this point. Not all researchers, such as the ones recently hired by Playboy magazine or Tom Smith at the University of Chicago Opinion Research Center find this level of unfaithfulness. However, if Lee’s composite trend line is correct and continues, it becomes significant as women finding sex outside of relationships will be normal in five to ten years.I interviewed several dominatrix who said cuckolding is increasingly popular as a male fantasy and interest had grown to the point where it rivaled other common kinks like bondage.
A series of web searches and found an increasing number of sites on the topic. In fact, during the course of writing this article, I found many of these sites changed from being free to pay sites. I was surprised at the number of personal web pages, profiles, and chat rooms that referred to cuckolding.In addition, I found a British online marketing site that references cuckolding as a life style similar to those who liked tennis or sports cars.The rumor about cuckolding in publishing is that is has become, along with adultery, one of the favorite topics of letters submitted to the Penthouse family of magazines for the consideration of publication. If you look at a stories contained in the bound version of Penthouse Variations’ stories over the years, the trend is easy to spot even if the terminology varies. Penthouse Forum often contains a section called “Open Forum” where cuckolding is among the kinks covered. I noticed in the December 2005 Playboy a series of cartoons suggesting cuckolding as a “special” holiday season activity. An article in Askmen.com featured cuckolding in a number of popular fantasies even if that terminology was not used.
A popular women's book, Nancy Friday’s Secret Garden, described a small number of women with the fantasy their men would give them “the great gift” of having sex with another man while they watched. News stories on ABC and CNN implied as many as five percent of couples engaged in some form of open marriage.
Sex researcher Dr. Susan Block recently looked into the resurgence of open marriage and found it booming, but far removed from seventies’ era key parties. Instead, she reported the movement, though often initiated by the husbands, had quickly become female oriented with craft nights and husbands watching as wives engaged other men and women. For Block, the symbolism of this rising female power was a costume party she attended and described as “the night of a thousand bare breasts.”
As cuckolding is controversial, I decided to conduct my own Internet polling. Cuckolding is not as common as other variations such as bondage. I expected cuckolding to be common in older couples who had been confidently married for a while, but slightly bored. I was more surprised to learn that as many couples in their 20s are trying cuckolding as in their 40s. One young man confessed to me “all my girlfriends since college have cuckolded me.” He added, “That just seems to be the way it is (now).” I found it was mostly a myth that women who wear ankle bracelets reliably practice cuckoldry. Unlike cheating, there is no lying with cuckolding and is regarded as another form of consensual sexual play.
The interesting debate among the couples in the scene is what motivates cuckolding. One dominatrix said the desire to cuckold men is common among dominate women. She said that many women often find one partner just does not satisfy their emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs. Psychology Today had recent article discussing how male potency drops after age 35 and a British magazine discussed the desperation of women, married or not, to get pregnant with the best quality male. (I read one account where the wife tried all her favorite men at a gang band and then let her husband go last with the reasoning "let the best sperm win.") So, perhaps these women have additional male partners whether obvious or not. This same dominatrix brought up another issue, also recently reported in Psychology Today, that many women find they desire an overtly masculine looking and acting men during the height of their cycle, but want friendlier and easygoing men at other times. Recent studies indicate women subjected to more male hormones in the womb has more pronounced jaw lines and they are more apt to stray.
One Florida web site pushes cuckolding further with The Project. These white women have at least one child by a black man for reasons ranging from improving the gene pool, to making a political statement; to “race play”. Some of these women have white husbands and employ explanations like the baby came from a “cousin” or a problem occurred at the fertility clinic when questioned by others. A few couples I found, including some outside of The Project, say they are proud of their choice to have a baby obviously outside of their marriage and they do not intend to hide it.
This view dovetails in the thoughts of Internet social worker Dr. Joy. Dr. Joy thinks one aspect of cuckolding is that is a form of “karma” for white men concerning the issue of black slavery. Along those lines, it's rumored that in San Fransisco sadly named "Mandingo Parties" are being organized where lovely white upscale couples attend a party where the women are fucked by a selection of wonderful black men.
On 16 February 2008, MSN reported many women in their fifties complain they've kept themselves up, but don't find late fifties men to be attractive and interesting enough to cause them to want to get involved. Some complain elsewhere, these men are too caught up in their hobbies.Some younger women also complain the men aren't ambitious or passionate. It could be how they were raised or the environment. Dr. Larry Cox's book Boys Adrift identifies a number of key issues in these areas. Another book coming out, Save the Males, might also identify key male social issues causing less assertiveness. Rumors out of Japan are the government is concerned young men spend so much time playing video games they lack the desire or skill to court women. Urging workers to "go home early" is a trend there.
At this point, I talked to several self-described submissive males and dominatrices. One told me when she met her husband he was “too innocent” for her. Undeterred, he pressed her for a relationship at the end of the first date. She informed him she had a “bull” lover and had no intention of giving him up. Amazingly, he agreed to be cuckolded. She told me most of her lovers protest at first with metro-sexuals the easiest to convert. She added, “If they’re still around after a month, then they must really want to be with you. So, you’ve got them.” Another submissive male said, “It was inevitable I was going to get a Prince Albert (genital piercing) and be cuckolded (as) I was such a sissy.” “But, I love my wife and I want to stick with her (as) she supports my cross dressing. Since I went on hormones, she’s not as interested in sex with me anymore and I’m not as interested in sex either.”
Several years ago, I came across a web site run by “Mistress Steele” who said her research indicated only 2% of the women were dominate, but she expected this percentage to steadily grow. Anecdotal evidence, images in popular culture, and the few studies I have found seen back up this view. A web site by Eloise Sutton, who is a well-known champion of female superiority, adds the number of woman asking for instruction in dominance is up “ten times in 2006”. For sure, women increasingly assert themselves in academia and the boardroom, so why not the bedroom? Some cuckolded men, who had many sexual experiences of their own before getting married, regret and/or feel guilty over the limited sexual experience of their wives. Certainly, there many stories of men who cannot quit cheating on their wives and once they finally get caught they face the dilemma of a nasty divorce or an agreement to be cuckolded.
Some men, increasingly to include the “Baby Boomers” of the sexual revolution, have medical issues that limit their ability to bring satisfaction to their wives. One avenue of sexual exploration that is increasingly popular is Tartaric sex. Tartaric sex involves many rituals and spiritual aspects. Some couples explore polyamory as an aspect of Tartaric sex. Recently, I’ve found several references where this Tartaric polyamory evolves into cuckolding as the women’s spiritual and sexual growth continues to open her to new experiences and forms of loving while the husbands watch and celebrate in wonder.
Kayle Hale posted a paper on the web concerning men who described themselves as transgendered, but not necessarily submissive. Her data seems to indicate about 20% of the women with transgender husbands enjoy having them and that over 90% of the wives enjoy setting their husbands up on dates with men where oral and anal sex is expected. Hale reports even a single successful sexual occurrence between the transgender husband and a man of the wife’s selection promotes better spousal communication and sex between them. Some of these women report the sex is more “lesbian like” or that they view their transgendered husbands as “sisters” coming home from a date. Hale also states a transgendered husband interest in passing as female and pleasing men usually increases after their first sexual experience with another man. Based on other reading I’ ve done, I suspect these women are also happier as they can seek out new alpha males while their transgendered mate cleans the kitchen.
Another view on this behavior is less about gender play or radical feminism and more voyeuristic. One man remarked, “The reason there is an increase in cuckolds is because it’s hot to watch your wife get satisfied with another man!” Some cuckolded men have a fantasy black men are superior at making love and they want to watch the events unfold similar to watching a great athlete perform.A small, but growing number of women say “the sweetest of the taboo” is to have sex with two men. For a dominant woman, watching her submissive fluff her lover can be beautiful and fantastic. Submissives can also engage in other acts that outside lovers often desire, but dominate women dislike. If you are a good submissive, is it really too much to ask to perform fellatio for your dominant’s lover? One opinion offered to me by a man is that today’s women are over sexed and rebellious, so he tells the women he dates that they can date openly as long as they don’t lie to him about it. His thinking is this will act as reverse psychology and “keep the relationship honest and faithful”. Two men I talked think single women are out for sexual thrills and finding new guys with more money. One asserted, “I think there is a ‘whore’ culture these days where women just get sick of the same old (man) and want as many different (ones) as they can get.” He added, “I feel sorry for these guys who think they are ready to settle down, because they are (just going to) being treated like (one in a series) of new high heels shoes. I understand that some men cheat, but that doesn’t make it right (for women to be increasingly a bunch of whores and adulterers.”Another agreed, saying, “Look at the number of attractive blondes on TV hanging around with younger men or black man.”
Due to recent changes of economic fortune, some wives have determined they deserve to cuckold their financially inept husbands!
More specifically, actors such as Debra Messing, Jennifer Connolly, Helen Hunt, and Julianne Moore have played roles in which they practiced cuckoldry. (Actress Tilda Swinton is widely rumored to be a cuckoldress in real life.) In fact, you could argue Moore has made quite the career out of playing cuckoldress with her most dramatic turn being the bottomless confrontation with her partner in a Robert Altman film. Women are more sexually active in the arts today, but Chaucer, Shakespeare, and Wagner all had works featuring cuckolded characters so it is nothing new.
The biggest debate in the subculture is whether the men who willing engages in cuckolding are secretly bisexual or not. On one cuckold website, this debate got so intense, the web site essentially spit into two groups. Certainly, it is true some men passionately encourage their wives to be “hot wives” while some women choose this behavior on their own. Many mistresses think sissies are all bisexual or should be, within the rules of play, “forced” into being bisexual. One submissive transgender person said, “I found (this training) to be strangely relaxing, freeing, and sensual.” He added, “Over time, I became more aware of my sensitive nature, more comfortable with my androgynous, and then I discovered the wonderful gift of bisexuality. I am very grateful to Mistress for opening this new world to me.” Whether the submissive acknowledges bisexuality or not, cuckolding is sometimes used to promote emotional growth of submissives according to some dominants. Certainly, a few submissives want to make love to both parties to make their tops happy or because they realize they too are attracted to their dominant’s lover. An extension of the view is the idea of a dominate woman desiring certain activities while turning her sissy over to her outside lover for others. These women often date younger men who are used to and expect oral sex as 50% of 17 year-olds have done it. Also, the August 2006 Cosmopolitan reports that 18% of men would like anal sex. Moreover, other media reports suggest 20% of women fewer than 25 engage in anal sex on a regular basis. However, many older women don’t care for oral or anal sex, so this is where diverting their, often younger, lover to “get warmed up” by their sissy husband or lover is useful.Finally, one man said, “It’s just something different, so just enjoy it.”
One counselor told me if a couple comes to her for dominance and submission sex therapy, sometimes using the techniques of hypnosis, she immediately informs the man cuckolding will eventually be part of the relationship and that while he will get release, it will be different than now due to his wife's growing power. She adds, "more traditional men often require a more physical approach at first." Yes, she does enjoy fucking men up the ass figuratively and literally. Singer and actress Grace Jones agrees. In the spring 2009 V magazine, Jones says, "I survived by taking on both roles. I think all men need to be penetrated at least once in their life time, so they understand what it's like to receive...I think it would take some violence out of the world."
Some contend both the wife and the husband will have their behaviors modfied by the smell of "bull" seman.
Once ready for the experience, it is common for submissives to help their mistresses get ready for date, help pick out her lovers, or watch them make love. Many submissives are aroused by what some call the ultimate act of humiliation. Other submissives find it satisfying to allow their partner another source of joy or like the idea of their partner becoming more sexual aware. Yet, these men not only know what is going on in their relationship, but they understand that on an emotional basis, they are still their wife’s primary companion.
With all this sex occurring, it should be no surprises that informal surveys I found online indicate around 14% of these women choose to have children with their lovers and another 17% would like to try it. Interestingly, seven percent of those women do not tell their husbands they are not the fathers. There are rumors the government has been well aware of such “red headed stepchild” since the 1950s and that as many at 10% of all marital births are a result of sex with a man who is not the wife’s husband. A recent British study using DNA indicated just under four percent of children result from cuckold relationships. One woman opined in responding to a feature in the Washington Post that if a wimp has to wonder if a child is his then the odds are good it isn't.
The best information I have is that only about 20%-22% of the women who cuckold regret it even though many begin the practice at the wishes of their men.A cuckoldress told me the other day, "I think probably 60% of submissive men and 15% of normal guys are interested in being cuckolded. Another expert told me 90% of sissy submissives are eventually cuckolded.
The long–term ramifications of cuckolding are hard to predict, but I think it is an indicating the true balance of power between men and women is shifting.